Dear God

Strength is starting to seep dry from me. But Father I pray You continue to give me the strength to go on, You give me the perseverance to run this race You have placed me in, and You help me find the rest that I need in You. I pray my eyes will continue to look to You through this tough period and beyond. Father, sustain me and support me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Psalm 23; Psalm 121

Psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
3 He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
He who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
He will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

I'm not really a fan of the book of Psalms, but these two psalms, I should say, are the ones that give me comfort and strength in times of weakness. Exams are 19 days away, and here I am, awake at 2am in the morning, not studying.

I'm starting to feel more drained and more lifeless as the days go on. Ironically, the closer I am to exams, the more I feel I can't finish studying, and the more I don't feel like studying because of that. Completely the opposite of the norm where my pace of studying picks up exponentially as exams draw closer.

After closing my textbook an hour ago and wasting time on facebook or random online minigames, these psalms suddenly struck my mind, it was as if God is trying to push me on, trying to encourage me to persevere. So I hope in sharing these Psalms, if you too are in the midst of exams or in the midst of any trials or tough situations, you too will be encouraged.

Your grace is sufficient for me, for Your power is made perfect in my weakness.

Stress

It's only 40 days to the exams now and I'm beginning to feel the stress building up already... Don't even know if I should be taking some time out to post this by either way I still am.

Somehow I find that in the midst of all this stress, it tends to have an effect on me... not so much of the physical aspect like health or lethargy though it sure has taken a toll of some sort... But I guess it's more in terms of behaviour and temperament.

I've realised that through the major examinations like O levels, J1 promos, A levels and I guess now... almost every exam can be considered major in some sense.. I tend to feel very very easily irritated. The smallest of things tend to annoy me, I tend to show discontentment even to my parents at times... I don't know why but it just happens even though I don't want it to. In fact, I start feeling disappointed with myself after that fleeting moment of anger.

I reflect upon such happenings and find my actions unacceptable, shocking, and perhaps even repulsive - something I would like to change. Problem is I never do bring a check to myself until I get some quiet moments like now.

In such times that I get, meditating upon the fruit of the Spirit tends to give me more peace and calmness compared to any other stress outlet, in addition to giving me a constant reminder of how my life should be.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" - Galatians 5:22-23

Some say that the fruit of the Spirit depicts how the ideal diciple of Jesus Christ should be. I have much to work towards but I pray that I'll continue to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. Hopefully this post too, will serve as a reminder to myself if I do come back to read it in the future.

CA3

Mugging for examinations isn't very fun to say the very least. For the past 2-3 weeks I've been trying to study for my exams, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of content in the syllabus... relative to CA1 and 2 at least.

And finally, today was the paper. Strangely enough, after the paper I was not as relieved or as excited as I was after the first 2 CAs. Perhaps it was due to utter fatigue or maybe even numbness to exams already. But thinking back upon it, maybe I just didn't know what to feel.

How should I put it? Unlike CA1 and 2, I didn't exactly have any expectations of how I would do, whether good or bad. Everything just seemed so uncertain, more so than before. Everything is in God's hand now I would say.

Indeed, I have been sustained by God through the entire week. I know my body. It needs an amazing amount of 10 hours of sleep to function properly unlike most normal people who require 6-8 hours. Given how much sleep I was getting, staying awake and staying healthy was impossible if not for the sustainance of God.

Perhaps another reason why I don't have much feelings about CA3 is because, just like God saw me through CA2, I believe He will see me through CA3 too and the years ahead. And so, here's a tribute to the LORD Almighty for His faithfulness.

Thank You LORD Jesus for Your strength, Your wisdom, Your encouragement.

When God seems... so far...

Again, the "why"s return

Why can't God speak to us directly?
Why can't He tell us what's going on?
Why won't He act immediately when we ask?
Why does it sometimes seem like when we have faith, things still don't go our way?

The list is endless. I've been at this point of my spiritual walk too many times. Pity is, while others learn, I don't seem to. Each time I reach the "why" stage, I falter, only to find that His will is made perfect in His time. Then another situation will come, and I'm back in the vicious cycle. And so here I am, once again.

It's terrible to be in a situation where I wish or know that I could make a change, but know neither where to start, nor how to act. Going through multiple possible solutions, the conclusion is usually: God is the only One who can help. And rightfully so when whatever solution you attempt to use will only make things worse. When things reach this point, there's only one thing to do - pray.

That's where the real problem starts, that's where I am right now. I pray, I put my faith in God, I cry out to Him... nothing happens. Things start to become messier. I get confused, I don't seem to know Him anymore. God doesn't seem to be working.

Or is it so? Am I just blinded by the situation at hand? Or is He just telling me to wait? Maybe He has a greater plan in mind?

I look back at previous experiences and wonder why God isn't showing His works now as He was before. Then I think of how things in the past have had improved after seeking Him with all my heart. And again, I think back of the current situation. My mind is in a muddle now, but I pray that in the midst of this chaos, God will reveal His mighty plan

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

-

Time and tide waits for nobody

So it's the second week of school already, and there are so many things that I have to do, so many more things that I intend to do. I always had this theory about myself that if I need time, I'll make time. Somehow. Usually it seems to work, pity I just don't make enough time 9/10 times. Just today and yesterday, I ended up waking up 2 hours after I "decided" to study.

Perhaps I'm just not used to going into full-swing mode the moment school starts. Honestly, still partially in a holiday mood. My secondary school teacher used to say that we need a holiday to get over a holiday. How true. But well, during the holidays, I suppose God kept me well rested, gave me strength and perseverance, ready to carry out His calling. Though many times I don't see why God wants me to do what He tells me to, I'll follow by faith, for I'm stepping out into the unknown with the comfort that He is with me and beside me. And of crouse, I'll trust that He will help me make the time for it as well.

I'm sure for many if not all of us, it always seems that there isn't enough time to do everything we want to. Time always seems to be controlling us and in the end, we'll be submitting to the pressures of time by giving up one thing or another. I'm reminded of a church sermon where the pastor was talking to us about chronos which referred to time as it is, versus kairos, which referred to a time where special moments happen, or glimpses of heaven as he described.. Are we too caught up in chronos moments, so much so that we totally miss the kairos moments in our lives? He gave the example of Jesus, in which He was always in control of time instead of being controlled by time. "My time has not yet come" He would often say.

So again, now that I find I need time, I will make time... somehow... hopefully I can capture the kairos moments in my life even as it gets more packed and busier, be it due to school, God's calling or even my personal activities.

LORD Jesus, empower me. Amen.

The path ahead

The sad reality just occured to me: holidays are ending =(

I remember how in the past, be it secondary school or JC, a 1 month holiday would get boring after a while due to the sheer length of the holiday. I'll find that nothing else can be done save for lazing/bumming around. Then here I am now, feeling that a 1 month holiday seemed like just over a week. That only means that another stressful term awaits me. More hours spend in the lecture theatre being bombarded by foreign information, more hours spend in the tutorial rooms giving the professors a blank look when posed with questions, and more hours in the lab looking at different cells which really all look like circles with a dot in it.

And of course, there's the CA results which everyone is wating for in anxiousness and trepidation. Everyone's worried, unsure of how they have done, especially so after some minor topic got blown up into an essay question. Needless to say, I'm one of those who aren't exactly keen on knowing the results.

However, the past few days, I was constantly reminded of 2 different quotes of very similar meanings that I've come across:

If God puts you through something, He will get you through it
If God bids me fly, I'll trust Him for the wings (as opposed to if God gives me wings, I'll fly)

So I've come to a conclusion that since God has placed me where I am right now after carving out the way so well for me, I am confident that, by faith, affirmed by prayer, He will see me through the entire course. It may not be easy to be totally calm about CA results, but at least I have a hope that I can abide in =)

Needs and fulfilling them

Perhaps it's about time I blogged again. Can sort of tell how long I haven't blogged given that even my background somehow got deleted hahaha. Haven't really found much time since my last post due to army/studies but now it's the holidays I guess it's rather easy to dig out some time =)

Well over the past few months I've been having random thoughts here and there as to what to blog on and they've just been coming and going so I suppose I'll just blog about what I've been pondering about more in the past few days.

You know, it's natural human instinct to fulfill a need when it comes. Like for instance, if you feel thirsty, chances are you'll be looking for water to drink and when you feel cold, perhaps you'll grab a jacket or a blanket. Similarly, when you feel empty inside, you'll be looking for things to do like going out with friends, playing games, reading books - anything that can kill time and make you feel occupied. You have the need, you recognize the need, you fulfill the need.

The exact same thing goes on in our spiritual lives too. What I've noticed about myself is that my QT is sometimes really short, sometimes really long. And coincidentally, or maybe not so, the times where I seek God more is in periods like during exams, when I'm feeling lost/down, or in times of difficulty.

The trend seems to be that the time I spend with God is proportional to how much I need to, or how hard things seem to be getting for me to cope with alone. It may be really easy to shove God to one side once I see good results for my exams, when I'm having fun out with my friends, sleeping in peace and waking up to a whole new day with many things planned out perfectly. Then again, during the more challenging times, more evidently during the period just before exams, no matter how tired I am, I would always commit myself to God, seek His comfort, His wisdom, His love.

All this again points back to our needs which will always be around and how we fulfill them. Christians have it easy as they always have a solution through God. Which brings me to the point which I have been thinking of now and then.

So many people out there who don't believe in God, or maybe even some Christians who don't see the need to commit themselves to God... Ask a few pre-believers (as I prefer to call them) and you'll get a range of answers like...

~ Why do I need a God?
~ I'm self sufficient, I don't need this God to help me
~ Things are fine as they are, why change things
~ The storm will come and go. Nothing will make it any different

Of course, there may be many different answers but one major reason why some people don't believe may be because they don't recognize the need that they have. Either that, or they think that this need can be solved on their own, without the help of anybody else. Needs can only be met once they are recognized. As an analogy, who eats without feeling hungry (with the exception of indulgence of course =x)?

There are other addressable points of what I have just posted just like is it right to only seek God when we recognize the need to? But well, that'll be enough for a whole new post I suppose. Not too sure how to end this particular post cause as I said, it was just another of those random thoughts that go through my mind...

--- just another random thought >.< ---

His promises

It's been about 2 and a half months into the army alrdy... Throughout the course I had thought of a thousand and one things of what to blog... ranging from Godlessness in the army, conformity, how army pushes you to God, random army thoughts etc etc etc.

But today, I finally decided to shove all those to one side and blog about one thing - His promises.

Ok let's rollback to..... 6 months ago.

I was doing my QT one night... and that particular night, I concluded QT with one promise from God: You will pass your NAPHA test.

Ok let's see my situation then... my pull-ups CMI. my SBJ could barely pass. 2.4km run... my stitch didn't really allow me to run properly. I didn't give up though, I believed God would keep His promise, so I figured that, maybe he wants me to train! Ok i did.

1 month later, guess what? It was the final NAPHA test and I passed ALL STATIONS INCLUDING MY PULL-UPS =O Ok it was really exciting for me then cause that never really did happen in my 18 year history of living. So I was quite geared up for my 2.4 km. I went off with a good start, 2 minutes per round for 3 rounds... But guess what? My stitch appeared 50 METRES INTO THE RUN. Well, it paralyzed me (almost literally) for the 5th and 6th round, bringing my timing up to 20+ minutes...

So then, I ended up into the PTP batch.

What's this God... Didn't you tell me I would pass??

Well, honestly, I kinda forgot about that promise every now and then since PTP = fail in NAPHA or didn't take. Yes I belong to the first category. The only time I remembered that promise was around the IPPT (NAPHA equivalent in a way) dates. And it wasn't helping since the passing standard was pushed from 4 pull-ups to 6.

Guess what. I failed the all 3 IPPTs they gave.

SO. The 4th IPPT came. I wasn't in a very good condition that day. Woke up tired, lethargic, sleepy, muscles aching. Not very good, and to think I rememberd His promise once again the night before. Well, it was the final IPPT (apart from REs) and so, I put my hands together, and said, "LORD, I commit this day and this test to You"

Sit-ups and shuttle run were no problem I guess. When it came to the pull-ups, I remembered that just 2 days ago I could only do.. 4. But God gave me strength indeed. Amen to that. SOMEHOW, I managed to do an awesome 7 (which was pushed down to 6 cause the last one was a "kicking" pull-up. JUST NICE to pass)

Standing broad jump - my past IPPTs were hovering around 1-2 points. very unstable, need 2 points to pass. My first jump gave me 1 point. My second.. gave me THREE.

Hallelujah. Now, it's all down to running again! Just like my NAPHA 5 months ago... I remembered His promise, and I believed that God would keep His promise. However, the sickening thought of a stitch appearing just like 5 months ago was bugging me still. The passing mark was 12 minutes 20 seconds, my previous run with NO stitch was 12 minutes 25 seconds.

So a short prayer to commit the run to the LORD and I was off. Didn't go too bad, until halfway through, I had a stitch >_>

Many thoughts were running through my mind again:

This stitch is just gonna make me fail again
Did I really hear God wrongly? Maybe I wouldn't pass?
This is exactly like my last NAPHA where I pass everything but fail the run
Oh well, I'll just go for the re-IPPT

All these thoughts continued for the entire duration of the remaining run. Not very encouraging really, but I pressed on, giving whatever my stitch allowed me too, hoping to meet 12.20.

My final timing: 12.18

"You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed" - Joshua 23:14