So how does it all add up?

VCF today and dinner with couple of VCF seniors + batch mates yesterday. Put this two together and I got myself thinking quite a fair bit...

My thoughts have been revolving around commitments to VCF and academics... oriented more towards the long term view of it.. Many questions have surfaced; many can't be answered; those that can only serve to generate more questions

-VCF-
It doesn't really take much of a rational person to feel that going for VCF is "a waste of time". Considering how e.g. today, I'm back at 10.30pm, all drained and tired, knowing I need to study but simply am unable to focus. And also how the cell group/bible study discussions aren't exactly the way I expected it to be when I first joined (but definitely not implying it isn't good). Then after that comes the need for people to step up into leadership positions, of which I'm totally unsure if I can commit, or even be up to the mark for it

Now of course, those points alone would probably mean that I should have quit eons ago. But then, I come to think about how the fellowship within VCF is so warm and so cheerful; it's yet another avenue of which I can remain grounded in the Word; and the part that I sort of enjoy are parts where there are discussions, tending somewhat towards the theological side where there are differing opinions and views... nobody knows for sure who is right or wrong except God Himself. One such example: Did Jesus die for the elect, or for every single person? (and somewhere for the cats and dogs too came in o.O) It's discussions like these which lead me to probe further, and to know the Bible better. Not forgetting too that there are occassional reminders being thrown out here and there during group discussions about our daily lives and spiritual lives.

I'm supposing that the overall picture comes to what I'm doing now: Go for VCF when I'm in school (since I'm there already anyway) and probably play the disappearing act when I'm not. It all seems good, until the question about CGLing comes up. No way can I maintain this pattern of attendance if I'm to lead a group. Which brings up more questions: Am I able to commit time to VCF as a CGL? Will I even be alert enough during the sessions considering how clinicals will be so much more drianing? And most importantly: Am I spiritually mature enough to lead a group? - to the last question, I'ld doubt it.

Then comes the questions for the academic part... most of which stemmed from the dinner yesterday. Summing it all up into a bunch of questions:
~ How important, really, are grades?
~ And again, how important are they, after considering the new residency programme?
~ What is it, that we truly hope to achieve after these 5 years?
~ Do we know how exactly life would be like next time? As a GP, as a specialist?
~ Looking not so far ahead: do we/would we fully understand and empathise with the patients in the bed, who are "at the mercy" of medical students?

I was thinking about all these issues on the way home in the train... Unfortunately, instead of finding answers, my thoughts drifted to how my life has changed since uni started... I realised that since the start of uni, I haven't really had much time to think about such problems. School days were effectively burned, holidays were spent either studying or doing things that would never otherwise get done during school days e.g. going overseas, catching up with past friends etc

And how about the upcoming years? Life doesn't seem like it'll get much better. Now add on the fact that I'm currently studying at a pathetically slow rate (which would 101% mean supps if I keep this up) and the fact that, for an unkown reason, I've been ravaged by the sleep monster lately (12 hours of sleep a day would seem just sufficient for me now =s)... I really don't know where I'm currently at... ... ... And oh dear. I just remembered EAMSC too. Did I really make a bad decision joining?

So how does all this add up? Sigh~ questions, more questions and lack of time. Isn't this an evergreen phenomenon? I really don't know when I'll get the chance to find answers but somewhere, somehow, sometime I'll have to

The 27 hour day

From 7am to 10am.

Sequence of events went from uneventful school to EAMSC interview, on to Worship Under The Stars at ACJC and then to the crazy bunch of rangers.

Thinking about whether to apply to the EAMSC comm was really a tough decision. It all had to do with thinking of how it would all balance out: EAMSC, school/clinicals, VCF. On one hand, it would be lots of fun and a load of experiencing + networking gained for being part of EAMSC while on the other hand, that would mean less time, less energy and less commitments in other areas... most notably school and VCF - at least for what i foresaw. In the end, I decided that I would just apply, and if God wills it, I'll get through the interview to be selected.

Today (after waking up at 2+pm =x) I read the sms came in - that I'm in the committee. With whatever thinking capacity I had in my sleepy state, I looked into still air as I wondered about the coming year (and also a bit on how come I got a similar but still different post from what I applied for o.O). Even right now, the planning stage has already begun and I fear to think of how busy things will get in the coming year. But as always, I take comfort in the fact that God would never put me into something without giving me the strength to go through it

Worship Under The Stars~ and a ceiling. The event was moved to the hall due to rain even though at 7pm there was zero rain left falling. Oh well, it was still great to back in ACJC, feeling the nostalgia as I walked past the north lodge, concourse, field etc. Great to see seniors, juniors and techers once again and most of all, the experience of worshipping God back in the hall. Then during the short sermon, I suddenly found out that =O i'm a J5. Gosh. Time flies. It was so long ago that I was still having fun in ACJC, virtually free of stress (at least compared to now) and so much more carefree. Time changes so many things...

Proceeded on to dhoby ghaut after that to meet up with the bunch of crazy people who choose to meet at 10pm instead of 10am. A night of LAN, movie and coffee + later breakfast... I'm thinking - for how long more would I be able to do this? But then again, I would rather stick to the standard afternoon meeting time even if there somehow is time for me to do it again lol

So ended up coming home, and by 10+, concussing on my bed after a refreshing shower. Such days are tiring, but usually the most tiring days are the most fulfilling days :) How nice if everyday was devoted to worshipping God and meeting friends... yea, that'll be good... mm... ok i'm back to reality

The coming academic year... or even now will probably will be much terribly busier than before due to EAMSC but I believe that God will provide. And in all things, I shall aim to do things for Him and not for man. LORD, may You see me through with Your blessings

The past month

Since my last post, many things have come and gone, main highlights being CA2 and yesterday.

So i was wondering why I thought my CA2 will be just as good or rather, just as bad as my CA1 even though the syllabus was supposedly much more easy going.. then I realised that I only spent half the time studying for it than I did for CA1. Which reminds me, I better get back to studying for finals >_>

But it seems like the past 1 and a half years odd in uni has really changed my tolerance level for stress... to the extent where I can actually continue studying just that wee bit below the pace at which I would burn out at and sustain it for a whole week or possibly more... to the extent where (sadly enough) there isn't really much joy left in finishing an exam anymore knowing that the next one is just around the corner.

If you ask me, I would say that I wouldn't really expect anything from my exams. I believe that as long as I put in my personal best, God will honour my efforts and give me what He thinks that I deserve or what I need... especially so since He was the One who led me to this course

Post-CA lectures as usual aren't exactly too forgiving but again, it's probably how things are and will be for some time. Not too much point mulling over it

Yesterday was quite a packed night for me, two 21st parties (+1 more psuedo 21st ... greeting.) and a nussu bash at st james'. Nothing much to say about that day really, except that it was good to have the company of friends, both past and present, and enjoy the fun and laughter that they bring =)

Most notably yesterday, was actually how I very very nearly got into an accident... shan't touch on the details, but oh how I was reminded about how silly mistakes that I make sometimes can result in dire consequences and more so, how God protects me each time I make a mistake... Thank You LORD for keeping me safe, just thank You so so much...

Once again I want to give thanks to God for seeing me through the past month and the grace that so freely showers upon me each day. Lessons and studying may not be the most enjoyable thing to do but I'll still do it for Him

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" - 1 Corinthians 10:31

Midnight - school starts today

And an update.... ok so I've only completed 8 hours out of the 14 i wanted to heh. Blame it on my lack of perseverance. Things were going well on the first 2 days; 3.5 hours of webcast + study of related notes... personally that's a huge wow on my side considering how badly i've been studying XD

Then today and yesterday I just refused to study so much coz it was just so draining (12 hours of sleep a day up from 9-10 can more than testify to that). So I ended up doing only 1 more hour over the 2 days. how productive lol

Ok, so I've got to catch up on quite a bit once school starts... God has already given me a glimpse of what He can do with a bummer like me within those two days, so I believe that over the next 2.5 weeks that I have before the exams, He'll definitely show me more of just what He can do.

Anyways, school is starting in just over 8 hours and here I am still on the comp... Maybe I should have tried correcting my sleep-at-4am-wake-up-past-12 habit before today. From the looks of it (+ how I really still need 10 hours of sleep or more), chances are I'll just end up zombified again in school tomorrow. What's new right

Academics aside, the past week has been rather trying for me spiritually... Many things happening concurrently and yet independent of each other. So much for trying to concentrate on the task at hand. But I've been through worst storms; The God who has seen me through the past storms will definitely see me through this period as well.

Again, I'll see how things go, as of now, I'm better off lamenting on how 1 month of hoilidays (which is really a not so cleverly disguised study break) pass as fast as 1 week of school. Back to the study mood from tomorrow... sigh~

School's starting =(

So I was thinking... I've kinda bummed away the whole of December, not much study done. Heck, even those who went overseas have studied more than me LOL.

Last night I was doing some mental planning... I've got today, 31st, 1st and 2nd until school starts on the 3rd... And I figured I will probably only finish 30-50% of what school has covered so far before more comes - so screwed =x

But somehow, something triggered me to push for a little (or not so) bit more. To put my fatih in God and believe He'll help me with my studies. And so last night... I've decided that within these 4 days, I'll aim to complete 14 hours of webcast AND study that much worth of notes after the webcast. (For the record, I've only completed 6 hours of webcast + those notes over the past 2 weeks) That's a rough estimate of about a 8 fold increase in my study pace. Ugh~ God help me. I believe You can.

Blessed is the 25th of December

For on this day, 2010 years ago, the Saviour was born to us

"For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace" - Isaiah 9:6

Who can even begin to perceive the greatness, the power and the majesty that descended to this earth to be with mankind instead of staying in the glory that He enjoyed in heaven?

On this faithful day, He came to dwell amongst man, to experience our hurts and pains, to understand the temptation we face, to go through all that we've been through and will go through. Despite all this, He remained sinless, holy and blameless before the Father, only to become the Lamb who was the Perfect Sacrifice for our sin.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have One who has been tempted in every way, just as we are — yet was without sin" - Hebrews 4:15

"We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all" - Isaiah 53:6

Let us not forget that the spirit of giving during Christmas stemmed from the ultimate gift that was given to all of mankind about 2000 years ago. And even more so, let's not forget to continually give thanks, praises, honour and glory to the One who became our gift of life.

Happy birthday Jesus :)

The past week

Hmm... where should I start... the week has been so packed (the main culprit being playhouse - although it was quite a fun and fulfilling experience) for me with so many things happening one after another

Playhouse was indeed an eye-opener (the actual play that is) and although I got pulled in at the last minute to help out with the sets/crew (aka saikang) it was definitely time worth spending: both with friends, and getting to know others better + getting to know new people. It was terribly exhausting but I would say that overall, it was a worthy investment

I remember how just last week I had been so bothered and disturbed about countless things (playhouse aside) that made me so stressed and almost jaded to the world around me. I sought the help of my parents, seniors, to some extent friends, and the counsel of God - All of which appeared to come to naught.

It was only until this week (or towards the end of last week... can't rmbr) that things started falling into place. And much more beautifully than I had expected or even wished for.

Once again, through the course of this week, God's grace has shone through my life and I am extremely grateful to Him~ The next 3-4 weeks ahead seem to be relatively more relaxed and less demanding than the past week... Maybe its time I started studying again after going through the avalanche of events

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11"

It's finally overrr

Thank God that CA1 is over. Really - thank You God.

This period of studying has been so extremely exhausting, almost comparable to my pros last year if not worst. By right I should be sleeping now given how my body doesn't normally function a full day with 2.5 hours of sleep after being sleep deprived for the past 1 week. But I just thought that I have to blog this post tonight, to say a special thank you, not only to the Most High but also to every single one of my friends who has seen me through this period.

When things get tough, demoralising and overhwelming, it's simply impossible to contain everything within me and to continue struggling ahead alone. It's in times like these, where the smallest things from friends can be the greatest encouragement. Be it a nudge on msn, a 3 minute htht or even a simple sms, I would like to say that every one of these is greatly appreciated :) A little smile can go a long way especially in the face of not-so-kind bacteria and viruses and drugs that just don't make any sense. To all of you out there, here's a big thanks =D

Just came home relatively late after a mindless chill-out with friends at a Holland V playground. Although I was (and am) really shagged out, just the company of friends (+ the random chatter) was sufficient to keep me awake. Made me realise once again how school would be so unbearable without the people around me. So once again, thanks for the fun, cheer and laughter that all of you place in school life :)

And last but definitely not the least, to Him who has seen me through countless obstacles and hurdles, the biggest thank You to You LORD Jesus :) Thank You for Your unfailing sustainance, thank You for Your unfailing love and assurance that You give me daily. Thank You for everything You have done for me and everything You have given to me. Thank You, thank You.

Ok that felt strangely like some grammy awards thing. Nitez.

Through Him alone

Less than a week to exams; terribly behind schedule; don't even know why I'm blogging now... maybe I'm just too exhausted to continue... mentally, physically, hopefully not spiritually...

I tried studying in the library today.. for >5 hours for once. Not too bad, except for the fact that I was just way too tired to continue at one point... I went out for some fresh air, to do some on-the-spot QT with God, seeking rest and refreshment. A simple prayer relieved me of my stress and perhaps that bit of frustration that was building up due to the time constrain. Pity all this just seemed to overwhelm me again the moment I sat down to study again.

Ok so far the post has been really emo. I know. Problem is, even right now, while I'm supposed to be mugging my head off, the drive to continue just isn't there. Well of course, the general cohort isn't much better off either I suppose. Everybody's rushing for time, everybody's all stressed out. Once again, my comfort comes from the LORD who promises to be with me throughout. I need the faith to trust in this promise of His and cling on to it as I plunge back in to material that's totally greek. (or latin actually)

Quoted slightly out of context, but it's still an encouraging verse to me :)
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” - Matthew 19:26

Father, I pray You give me the strength that I need to continue. May my soul find rest in You, may my eyes continue to look upon You for the grace that You so freely give. Renew me daily LORD, as I strive to press on ahead on the road that You have set me on.

How to avoid drifting from God

Just watched a video posted by "The Bible" on facebook... it's entitled as this post is. Key verse: I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing - John 15:5

It's true that apart from Him we can do nothing... The dude in the video described how sometimes we're like a balloon which is all puffed up and the huge words are displayed - Smile :) Jesus loves you. Thing is, sometimes when we are deflated, the balloon just becomes that small crummy piece of rubber, the words shrink too and the words - Smile :) Jesus loves you becomes so shrivelled up that it becomes unnoticable. The truth still remains, but it just becomes so small in our sight that we forget about Him. We forget our God and we drift away...

Apart from Him, I can do nothing. It's a gentle reminder that even in this exam period, as things start to get stressful once again, I'll have to remain in Him if I ever wish to accomplish anything in the exams... or even in this study period for the matter.