Death

Prior to the A&E posting, I already knew that I would see the first deaths happening to patients right before my eyes. At that point, I didn't really know how I would feel, or how I would react.

Just 1 week ago, I stepped into the resuscitation room only to see CPR being carried out on a patient - she came in with a cardiovascular collapse, ECG showed asystole and VF at different times. In the midst of the chaos, I found myself rooted to the ground, not knowing what to do or what I could do. So all I did must utter a prayer to God: Father, be with her... be with her...

Minutes later, I heard someone say, "Game over. Stop CPR." My heart sank. I didn't know what to feel or how I felt at that point. Not that I had time to think - the next patient arrived at the opposite bed. Instinctively, I turned to that patient to catch up on what was happening.

She was a middle aged lady who came in for shortness of breath. She looked terrible, what medical people like to call "toxic looking". After a while, it was determined that only dialysis would help her, relieve her and possibly save her. When conveyed to her, her only reply was no, I do not want dialysis. She seemed to ignore us when we tried to persuade her and explore her reasons for rejecting treatment. Yes, we were taught that patients have every right to reject treatment, even life saving treatment as long as they are competent. Even so, something whelmed up in me - I started becoming annoyed, or should I say, angry that she would not even accept something that would help her. I couldn't see how somebody would always literally throw their life away when a life saving alternative was offered to them!

Upon reflecting on this incident, I couldn't find the reason why I would react so strongly when usually I would try to persuade the patient or perhaps, accept her decision because she probably knew what was best for her. I couldn't sleep that night till it was really late, thinking long and hard about the day's happenings... Turned out that fatigue got the better of me before I could put any pieces together.

Just yesterday, another collapse came in, with the CPR machine already on. Assessed rhythm was asystole at first, followed by PEA. Again, I said a short prayer to God, hoping that He would bring life back to this patient... After giving shots of adrenaline and more CPR, there seemed to have hope. His heart started beating on its own, his pulse returned. Just as the consultant was about to take his bloods, again, his pulse disappeared, returning to PEA. To my surprise, the consultant gave the signal to halt resuscitation attempts, stating how adrenaline can give such a phenomenon and that further attempts would not be useful given the history and since he was already brain dead.

Once again, there was this struggle within me. One part of me accepted what was given to me, the other part of me just wanted to continue trying... Medically speaking, further attempts would only be futile, and even if successful, would lead to a poor quality of life, if any at all, for the patient. But somehow, I couldn't rationalise these things on the spot. I could only stand at one spot, watching while the staff wrapped up his body, waiting for a completely flat strip on the ECG to officially document his death...

Many thoughts raced through my mind. Could we have saved him? Did we stop too early? Could other interventions be done? How much should be or shouldn't be done? How many lives can we actually save? Why did God give that shimmer of hope, only to take it away? And alone the same lines... are we actually trying to play God when we resuscitate a person with a collapsed heart?

Later on, upon thinking slightly more... I looked back at the other collapsed patient and wondered what is it in me that makes me so affected by such happenings in the hospital, which are not uncommon especially in the A&E?

Retrospectively, perhaps the past events in my life have really shaped me and affected me more than I thought it would have. I recalled incidents that happened years back and concluded that maybe, it has impacted my life so much, just that I failed to realize it back then.

Then, yet more unanswered questions remain. It ultimately boils down to: What is it that God has in store for me when He has called me and brought me in to this path down the medical field? I don't know the answer really, but I believe that in future, how much I can do will only be limited by how much He is willing to do through me.

Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.