School's starting =(

So I was thinking... I've kinda bummed away the whole of December, not much study done. Heck, even those who went overseas have studied more than me LOL.

Last night I was doing some mental planning... I've got today, 31st, 1st and 2nd until school starts on the 3rd... And I figured I will probably only finish 30-50% of what school has covered so far before more comes - so screwed =x

But somehow, something triggered me to push for a little (or not so) bit more. To put my fatih in God and believe He'll help me with my studies. And so last night... I've decided that within these 4 days, I'll aim to complete 14 hours of webcast AND study that much worth of notes after the webcast. (For the record, I've only completed 6 hours of webcast + those notes over the past 2 weeks) That's a rough estimate of about a 8 fold increase in my study pace. Ugh~ God help me. I believe You can.

Blessed is the 25th of December

For on this day, 2010 years ago, the Saviour was born to us

"For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace" - Isaiah 9:6

Who can even begin to perceive the greatness, the power and the majesty that descended to this earth to be with mankind instead of staying in the glory that He enjoyed in heaven?

On this faithful day, He came to dwell amongst man, to experience our hurts and pains, to understand the temptation we face, to go through all that we've been through and will go through. Despite all this, He remained sinless, holy and blameless before the Father, only to become the Lamb who was the Perfect Sacrifice for our sin.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have One who has been tempted in every way, just as we are — yet was without sin" - Hebrews 4:15

"We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all" - Isaiah 53:6

Let us not forget that the spirit of giving during Christmas stemmed from the ultimate gift that was given to all of mankind about 2000 years ago. And even more so, let's not forget to continually give thanks, praises, honour and glory to the One who became our gift of life.

Happy birthday Jesus :)

The past week

Hmm... where should I start... the week has been so packed (the main culprit being playhouse - although it was quite a fun and fulfilling experience) for me with so many things happening one after another

Playhouse was indeed an eye-opener (the actual play that is) and although I got pulled in at the last minute to help out with the sets/crew (aka saikang) it was definitely time worth spending: both with friends, and getting to know others better + getting to know new people. It was terribly exhausting but I would say that overall, it was a worthy investment

I remember how just last week I had been so bothered and disturbed about countless things (playhouse aside) that made me so stressed and almost jaded to the world around me. I sought the help of my parents, seniors, to some extent friends, and the counsel of God - All of which appeared to come to naught.

It was only until this week (or towards the end of last week... can't rmbr) that things started falling into place. And much more beautifully than I had expected or even wished for.

Once again, through the course of this week, God's grace has shone through my life and I am extremely grateful to Him~ The next 3-4 weeks ahead seem to be relatively more relaxed and less demanding than the past week... Maybe its time I started studying again after going through the avalanche of events

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. - Ecclesiastes 3:11"

It's finally overrr

Thank God that CA1 is over. Really - thank You God.

This period of studying has been so extremely exhausting, almost comparable to my pros last year if not worst. By right I should be sleeping now given how my body doesn't normally function a full day with 2.5 hours of sleep after being sleep deprived for the past 1 week. But I just thought that I have to blog this post tonight, to say a special thank you, not only to the Most High but also to every single one of my friends who has seen me through this period.

When things get tough, demoralising and overhwelming, it's simply impossible to contain everything within me and to continue struggling ahead alone. It's in times like these, where the smallest things from friends can be the greatest encouragement. Be it a nudge on msn, a 3 minute htht or even a simple sms, I would like to say that every one of these is greatly appreciated :) A little smile can go a long way especially in the face of not-so-kind bacteria and viruses and drugs that just don't make any sense. To all of you out there, here's a big thanks =D

Just came home relatively late after a mindless chill-out with friends at a Holland V playground. Although I was (and am) really shagged out, just the company of friends (+ the random chatter) was sufficient to keep me awake. Made me realise once again how school would be so unbearable without the people around me. So once again, thanks for the fun, cheer and laughter that all of you place in school life :)

And last but definitely not the least, to Him who has seen me through countless obstacles and hurdles, the biggest thank You to You LORD Jesus :) Thank You for Your unfailing sustainance, thank You for Your unfailing love and assurance that You give me daily. Thank You for everything You have done for me and everything You have given to me. Thank You, thank You.

Ok that felt strangely like some grammy awards thing. Nitez.

Through Him alone

Less than a week to exams; terribly behind schedule; don't even know why I'm blogging now... maybe I'm just too exhausted to continue... mentally, physically, hopefully not spiritually...

I tried studying in the library today.. for >5 hours for once. Not too bad, except for the fact that I was just way too tired to continue at one point... I went out for some fresh air, to do some on-the-spot QT with God, seeking rest and refreshment. A simple prayer relieved me of my stress and perhaps that bit of frustration that was building up due to the time constrain. Pity all this just seemed to overwhelm me again the moment I sat down to study again.

Ok so far the post has been really emo. I know. Problem is, even right now, while I'm supposed to be mugging my head off, the drive to continue just isn't there. Well of course, the general cohort isn't much better off either I suppose. Everybody's rushing for time, everybody's all stressed out. Once again, my comfort comes from the LORD who promises to be with me throughout. I need the faith to trust in this promise of His and cling on to it as I plunge back in to material that's totally greek. (or latin actually)

Quoted slightly out of context, but it's still an encouraging verse to me :)
“With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” - Matthew 19:26

Father, I pray You give me the strength that I need to continue. May my soul find rest in You, may my eyes continue to look upon You for the grace that You so freely give. Renew me daily LORD, as I strive to press on ahead on the road that You have set me on.

How to avoid drifting from God

Just watched a video posted by "The Bible" on facebook... it's entitled as this post is. Key verse: I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing - John 15:5

It's true that apart from Him we can do nothing... The dude in the video described how sometimes we're like a balloon which is all puffed up and the huge words are displayed - Smile :) Jesus loves you. Thing is, sometimes when we are deflated, the balloon just becomes that small crummy piece of rubber, the words shrink too and the words - Smile :) Jesus loves you becomes so shrivelled up that it becomes unnoticable. The truth still remains, but it just becomes so small in our sight that we forget about Him. We forget our God and we drift away...

Apart from Him, I can do nothing. It's a gentle reminder that even in this exam period, as things start to get stressful once again, I'll have to remain in Him if I ever wish to accomplish anything in the exams... or even in this study period for the matter.

Just Let Me Say

New song I learnt today in VCF FT... Nice song; wonderful lyrics~

Just let me say how much I love You
Let me speak of Your mercy and grace
Just let me live in a shadow of Your beauty
Let me see You face to face

And the earth will shake as Your Word goes forth
And the heavens will tremble and fall
But let me say how much I love You
Oh my Savior, my Lord and Friend

Just let me hear Your finest whispers
As You gently call my name
And let me see Your power and Your glory
Let me feel Your spirit's flame

Let me find You in the desert
Till this sand is holy ground
And I am found completely surrendered
To You my Lord and Friend

So let me say how much I love You
With all my heart I long for You
For I am caught in this passion of knowing
This endless love I've found in You

And the depth of grace, the forgiveness found
To be called a child of God
Just makes me say how much I love You
Oh my Savior, my Lord and Friend (x2)

Just makes me say how much I love You
Oh my Savior, my Lord and Friend

Ploughing ahead

It's only been three days into school and things are already happening at bullet train speed. Not just academically, although that too has just been overwhelming. But the things happening around me aren't just academically centred.

In this short period of time, there's been so much going on, some were joyous occasions, others were somewhat more emotionally-draining. The common question to all these now, are: Where do I go from there?

Doors that used to be open are now closed, other closed doors are now opening, while doors which were never there are now starting to appear. It's all a haze when I start to think about my possible options and the different available routes. Weighing pros to cons, cost to benefit, there are so many things that I simply cannot put into perspective; worst still, it's all happening in this short timeframe. I'm currently at that point where i'm in between attempting to solve my problems and being jaded by what's happening. At times I just wish I could adopt the escapist attitude and find a window to throw things out rather than decide on which door to take. Or better still, if only God would just lay before me a bright red carpet towards the best door to go through and usher me in...

The only hope that is keeping me going now is that God has promised to be faithful and guide me in my steps.

"That is why we are not discouraged. Though outwardly we are wearing out inwardly we are renewed day by day" - 2 Corinthians 4:16

Random before school thoughts

Ok, so I aimed to finish the whole Abbas textbook during recess week and ended up finishing a quarter so far. How productive. So what do I do when I can't study/don't feel like studying? I do other things =D

So.. I dug up an old link that I saved for reading some 1 year ago and finally brought it up to read again. It's titled: Do Evil and Suffering Disprove the Existence of God? Pretty interesting read, although heavy on the mind if you try to analyze it... If you do read it though, the links on the page itself are broken so you'll have to change the number on the URL from 1>2>3 to go to pg 1/2/3 respectively

Anyways, I read it through, and on page 3, there was this line that sort of impacted me a decent bit:

"A child who is hurting needs, not an intellectual explanation, but reassurance"

I'm reminded of the times when I question God why, why and why. Up to now, I still don't have answers to many of the 'why's but I find that, each time I did slip into that mayhem of confusion and distress, the way I climbed out of it, wasn't by answers but rather by the reassurance by God. Answers would seem to be a better comfort but then, answers do lead to more questions. It's a never ending cycle.

In the same way, I find that whenever things start to weigh down, when it seems the whole world just comes crashing down, it's the reassurance of God that keeps me going. Even right now, as I'm on a sian/emo-streak with that void of emptiness within me, I pray that God will reasssure me of His unfailing love, His ever-lasting grace and His divinest comfort.

Sigh~ so much more to write about but I suppose I better get back to studying. Recess week wasn't too fulfilling; I wish I had another one. But I suppose having one week is better than nothing... From the optimistic viewpoint, there's still Sunday tomorrow =O

Edit: I just finished reading the last part of it and came across this line: "In addition, many Christians will testify that Christ provides inner resources to cope, as well as joy in the midst of difficulties and suffering when we trust Him. And He promises that He causes all things to work together for good to those who love God." Amen! :D

VCF Fellowship Talk 140910

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Always put God first in everything you do;
Never make studying your first priority
- Professor Lockhart
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Completing the Mission

That was today's sermon topic. It was my first time back to church in 3 weeks.. Past 2 weeks I didn't go because I overlslept/was down with a terible flu. But thank God that I went to church today. The sermon really served as a timely reminder to me about the race that I'm running...

It's only been 2 weeks into school and I'm already so overwhelmed and flabbergasted by lectures, tutorials, practicals etc. Not to mention the fact that I should be studying already by now but just don't have the discipline to start. It seems like this year is very much like the previous year where I enter the year with the determination to do well and the resolution to study hard/harder but very soon the mundane school work just drains every little bit of drive and passion in me, leaving me as the average guy who just wishes to get over each day of school, hoping for the holidays to come once again.

Today's sermon was by a missionary who was called by God to serve in another country, outside his comfort zone. Much of the missions involved reaching out to the poorest people, the ones marginalised from society; people whom we wouldn't give a second look to. Medical work was one of the many ways that help was extended to them. The videos and testimonies which were presented to us reminded me so greatly of the very fact as to why I wanted to do Medicine - to serve God and His people.

Time and again in MCF, I've been reminded by the sharings never to lose sight of the purpose as to why we're doing Medicine. Problem is, as forgetful people, it becomes so common to do exactly that.

Once again, I'm thankful that I went to church this morning as I was really touched by the preacher's sharing and words regarding the various activities that he participated in. It really serves to rekindle the passion I had for Medicine before the academic year even started last year... And I pray that this passion in me will not die out again due to the hectic school life.

T_T

School's starting =( I've been wanting to post about so many different things but somehow my mind keeps getting blocked when I start. Oh holidays why are you so short~

Past, present, future

It's been about 2 weeks into holidays now, and I've been asked by a quite a number of people what I've been up to during the holidays...

I've been surprisingly busy during this period, although definitely nowhere as stressed as I was before the exam period. Today is perhaps one of the moments I have to do my own things at home.

Thinking back, it's been a rather long journey since the release of the A level results till now. Events ranging from the anticipation and uncertainty in the ACJC hall, to the hasty preparation of documents for NUS in the midst of the ever so demanding army, and then to the toughest time of my life (education wise). All this together with the occassional problems and newly found friendships - it's been quite a journey for the past 18 months. Happiness and sadness, stress and calmness, highs and lows, you name it, I've probably gone through it during this period.

Had a VCF gathering yesterday. That, coupled with my QT, led me to remember how God has been so faithful throughout my first uni year. Not only in that, but also in the path He has set for me to follow to this course even before entering uni, perhaps even before JC or even earlier - who knows. A night of thanksgiving, praise and worship... so much He gives to us, so little we can give back. Which reminds me how much more I should dedicate more time to Him even in the midst of the hectic school life, and especially so now.

Holiday plans... no plans to go overseas. Not much regrets there, considering the number of things I want to get done. It's kinda creepy to know that this will be the longest holiday ever in the remainder of my life, save for retirement =x Not like hearing stories from my seniors about their life helps in anything too hahaha. One thing is for sure though, this holiday is one that's to be treasured.

As always, the path ahead is unknown except for the rough idea regarding the challenges i'll be facing. My only source of comfort comes from Him who promises to be faithful, now and forever more.

I said to the man
who stood at the gate of the year
“Give me a light that I may tread safely
into the unknown.”
And he replied:” Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the hand of God.
That shall be better than light
and safer than a known way!”
So I went forth and finding the Hand of God
trod gladly into the night.
M. Louise Haskins (1875-1957)

Post pros

It's been a day and a half since pros ended. About the same time too that I took to get over the last paper.

It's not exactly a good thing if you felt a paper was extremely bad when the general consensus is it was overall an easy paper. And it is so to the extent where I feel there's a pretty good chance that i'll fail it. Perhaps the reason why it affected me so much until now (or maybe it still is) is that, err... Chinese aside, I've never actually failed any major exam. Personal expectations maybe. Or it may also be due to pride as I never actually had to face a fail grade. But either way, it was quite a bad end to pros, and not really one that adds to the yes-pros-are-finally-over kind of joy

Well, thank God i had quite a program packed day right after pros all the way till midnight, with company from friends, filled with laughter and fellowship. It definitely helped to keep myself away from the negative feelings and uneasiness. But then again, during my QT and this whole day, everything just flooded back again. I think back to a verse "Who by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" A verse that is so simple but yet holds so much truth and so much wisdom. Pity it's always easier to tell that to others than to put into practice.

I figure the only thing I could possibly do now is to cast aside the thoughts of pros and commit everything to God. All burdens, including results, at the foot of the Cross.

Dear God

Strength is starting to seep dry from me. But Father I pray You continue to give me the strength to go on, You give me the perseverance to run this race You have placed me in, and You help me find the rest that I need in You. I pray my eyes will continue to look to You through this tough period and beyond. Father, sustain me and support me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Psalm 23; Psalm 121

Psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
3 He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for His name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Psalm 121
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
He who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
He will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

I'm not really a fan of the book of Psalms, but these two psalms, I should say, are the ones that give me comfort and strength in times of weakness. Exams are 19 days away, and here I am, awake at 2am in the morning, not studying.

I'm starting to feel more drained and more lifeless as the days go on. Ironically, the closer I am to exams, the more I feel I can't finish studying, and the more I don't feel like studying because of that. Completely the opposite of the norm where my pace of studying picks up exponentially as exams draw closer.

After closing my textbook an hour ago and wasting time on facebook or random online minigames, these psalms suddenly struck my mind, it was as if God is trying to push me on, trying to encourage me to persevere. So I hope in sharing these Psalms, if you too are in the midst of exams or in the midst of any trials or tough situations, you too will be encouraged.

Your grace is sufficient for me, for Your power is made perfect in my weakness.

Stress

It's only 40 days to the exams now and I'm beginning to feel the stress building up already... Don't even know if I should be taking some time out to post this by either way I still am.

Somehow I find that in the midst of all this stress, it tends to have an effect on me... not so much of the physical aspect like health or lethargy though it sure has taken a toll of some sort... But I guess it's more in terms of behaviour and temperament.

I've realised that through the major examinations like O levels, J1 promos, A levels and I guess now... almost every exam can be considered major in some sense.. I tend to feel very very easily irritated. The smallest of things tend to annoy me, I tend to show discontentment even to my parents at times... I don't know why but it just happens even though I don't want it to. In fact, I start feeling disappointed with myself after that fleeting moment of anger.

I reflect upon such happenings and find my actions unacceptable, shocking, and perhaps even repulsive - something I would like to change. Problem is I never do bring a check to myself until I get some quiet moments like now.

In such times that I get, meditating upon the fruit of the Spirit tends to give me more peace and calmness compared to any other stress outlet, in addition to giving me a constant reminder of how my life should be.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" - Galatians 5:22-23

Some say that the fruit of the Spirit depicts how the ideal diciple of Jesus Christ should be. I have much to work towards but I pray that I'll continue to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. Hopefully this post too, will serve as a reminder to myself if I do come back to read it in the future.

CA3

Mugging for examinations isn't very fun to say the very least. For the past 2-3 weeks I've been trying to study for my exams, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of content in the syllabus... relative to CA1 and 2 at least.

And finally, today was the paper. Strangely enough, after the paper I was not as relieved or as excited as I was after the first 2 CAs. Perhaps it was due to utter fatigue or maybe even numbness to exams already. But thinking back upon it, maybe I just didn't know what to feel.

How should I put it? Unlike CA1 and 2, I didn't exactly have any expectations of how I would do, whether good or bad. Everything just seemed so uncertain, more so than before. Everything is in God's hand now I would say.

Indeed, I have been sustained by God through the entire week. I know my body. It needs an amazing amount of 10 hours of sleep to function properly unlike most normal people who require 6-8 hours. Given how much sleep I was getting, staying awake and staying healthy was impossible if not for the sustainance of God.

Perhaps another reason why I don't have much feelings about CA3 is because, just like God saw me through CA2, I believe He will see me through CA3 too and the years ahead. And so, here's a tribute to the LORD Almighty for His faithfulness.

Thank You LORD Jesus for Your strength, Your wisdom, Your encouragement.

When God seems... so far...

Again, the "why"s return

Why can't God speak to us directly?
Why can't He tell us what's going on?
Why won't He act immediately when we ask?
Why does it sometimes seem like when we have faith, things still don't go our way?

The list is endless. I've been at this point of my spiritual walk too many times. Pity is, while others learn, I don't seem to. Each time I reach the "why" stage, I falter, only to find that His will is made perfect in His time. Then another situation will come, and I'm back in the vicious cycle. And so here I am, once again.

It's terrible to be in a situation where I wish or know that I could make a change, but know neither where to start, nor how to act. Going through multiple possible solutions, the conclusion is usually: God is the only One who can help. And rightfully so when whatever solution you attempt to use will only make things worse. When things reach this point, there's only one thing to do - pray.

That's where the real problem starts, that's where I am right now. I pray, I put my faith in God, I cry out to Him... nothing happens. Things start to become messier. I get confused, I don't seem to know Him anymore. God doesn't seem to be working.

Or is it so? Am I just blinded by the situation at hand? Or is He just telling me to wait? Maybe He has a greater plan in mind?

I look back at previous experiences and wonder why God isn't showing His works now as He was before. Then I think of how things in the past have had improved after seeking Him with all my heart. And again, I think back of the current situation. My mind is in a muddle now, but I pray that in the midst of this chaos, God will reveal His mighty plan

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

-

Time and tide waits for nobody

So it's the second week of school already, and there are so many things that I have to do, so many more things that I intend to do. I always had this theory about myself that if I need time, I'll make time. Somehow. Usually it seems to work, pity I just don't make enough time 9/10 times. Just today and yesterday, I ended up waking up 2 hours after I "decided" to study.

Perhaps I'm just not used to going into full-swing mode the moment school starts. Honestly, still partially in a holiday mood. My secondary school teacher used to say that we need a holiday to get over a holiday. How true. But well, during the holidays, I suppose God kept me well rested, gave me strength and perseverance, ready to carry out His calling. Though many times I don't see why God wants me to do what He tells me to, I'll follow by faith, for I'm stepping out into the unknown with the comfort that He is with me and beside me. And of crouse, I'll trust that He will help me make the time for it as well.

I'm sure for many if not all of us, it always seems that there isn't enough time to do everything we want to. Time always seems to be controlling us and in the end, we'll be submitting to the pressures of time by giving up one thing or another. I'm reminded of a church sermon where the pastor was talking to us about chronos which referred to time as it is, versus kairos, which referred to a time where special moments happen, or glimpses of heaven as he described.. Are we too caught up in chronos moments, so much so that we totally miss the kairos moments in our lives? He gave the example of Jesus, in which He was always in control of time instead of being controlled by time. "My time has not yet come" He would often say.

So again, now that I find I need time, I will make time... somehow... hopefully I can capture the kairos moments in my life even as it gets more packed and busier, be it due to school, God's calling or even my personal activities.

LORD Jesus, empower me. Amen.

The path ahead

The sad reality just occured to me: holidays are ending =(

I remember how in the past, be it secondary school or JC, a 1 month holiday would get boring after a while due to the sheer length of the holiday. I'll find that nothing else can be done save for lazing/bumming around. Then here I am now, feeling that a 1 month holiday seemed like just over a week. That only means that another stressful term awaits me. More hours spend in the lecture theatre being bombarded by foreign information, more hours spend in the tutorial rooms giving the professors a blank look when posed with questions, and more hours in the lab looking at different cells which really all look like circles with a dot in it.

And of course, there's the CA results which everyone is wating for in anxiousness and trepidation. Everyone's worried, unsure of how they have done, especially so after some minor topic got blown up into an essay question. Needless to say, I'm one of those who aren't exactly keen on knowing the results.

However, the past few days, I was constantly reminded of 2 different quotes of very similar meanings that I've come across:

If God puts you through something, He will get you through it
If God bids me fly, I'll trust Him for the wings (as opposed to if God gives me wings, I'll fly)

So I've come to a conclusion that since God has placed me where I am right now after carving out the way so well for me, I am confident that, by faith, affirmed by prayer, He will see me through the entire course. It may not be easy to be totally calm about CA results, but at least I have a hope that I can abide in =)