Post post post MBBS

Just a jumble of thoughts, laid out in minutes while being really tired...

Results:

Passed. Thank You for Your grace Father. I know that passing was nowhere near due to my efforts but rather from His blessings... So much happened during the study period and there was so much I didn't know, even more that I didn't cover. But somehow, the exams were a breeze. I could probably think up 4-5 different papers that could be set in a way that would make me fail but I still made it. Thank You for giving me the wings when You bid me to fly...

Ward work:

Compared to an SIP... I'm now licensed, I now have responsibilities and now am in a position where my words hold weight with the patients. It's a huge transition. And through it all, I'm reminded once again of what a privileged position I hold for patients to be able to confide and trust in me the very first moment I see them. Through their eyes, I'm in a position of power, in a position to be able to help them. But through my eyes, I know just too well the limits of modern medicine...

Just the other day, Mr N came over from a foreign country to seek treatment for his advanced cancer. I could tell the son cared a lot for his father but wasn't too financially capable. Yet, he brought his dad over, as a private patient, to seek help. After a 1 week stay, with multiple consultations with different oncologists, with whatever little English Mr N could manage, he uttered: come to Singapore for treatment, no treatment... shaking his head along the way...

The helplessness, the frustration and the despair... coming all at once.. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't say anything. There are just too many things that even medicine today doesn't know and cannot solve. I'm reminded of the phrase: to cure sometimes to relieve often and to comfort always. How true these things hold. Curing is hard. Impossible sometimes. Relieving is usually done instead. Mr N was discharged on a whole ton of painkillers and nothing more. But comforting.. is something that can be done by anybody for anybody... Just another learning point which can be so easily lost in the practice of medicine...

Coping:

It's tough. It's really tough. Keeping up with the pace of work while still maintaining standards. Expectations are far beyond my capabilities. I can only hope to learn and to improve, God being my helper. It's only a start but I'm physically and mentally drained. I pray hard that I would never be spiritually drained. This is the path that God has placed me on and this is the path I will tread. And while I am weak, His strength is made perfect. LORD, help me to love the people around me just as You have loved me, to go through each day, knowing You are here beside me.

MBBS

So it's just under 33 hours to the final MBBS right now...

Not too long ago, I was ranting about how the biggest irony about the MBBS is it is supposed to prepare us to be doctors. But what I really am doing now, is studying the academically important and ignoring the clinically important. Of course, there are overlaps between these two. But where the overlap ceases to exist, out goes the clinically relevant things and in comes the exam oriented information - because, and only because the big exam is nearing.

Yet, some reason, while this is the biggest exam thus far, my stress level is probably comparable to that of a routine class test. The last minute anxiety induced stress that has always been present for the past 10 over years is seemingly missing. While I am terribly behind time, I'm still studying at a relaxed pace, still able to take breaks, be it with the TV or a random online game - there's definitely time to squeeze in the midst of this mad rush, the mass hysteria that seems to be hitting the batch, and hard. There are so many gaps in my knowledge, or maybe craters will be a better word, but somehow, everything seems fine to me

Perhaps I've been numbed by the countless exams thus far, happening on average once every 1-2 months. Perhaps I've never had this much to study and I'm just jaded by this all. Perhaps I'm just cheesed off by the fact that we're studying for the sake of the exam, more so than anything else.

The study break itself proved to be more than just a break for studying. Every now and then, in came extra obstacles. Other important matters (unrelated to exams) just seemed to pile in during this time. I dare say my main bulk of my stress during this period was from everything but the exam itself. I was being thrown off course by not so random emails, events, various struggles and decisions that had to be made in a short period of time - all while I'm trying to drown myself in notes.

It's been a tough time. Once again, regrettably, I have forgotten God and just left Him towards the end of the day or only spoke to Him whenever I thought I felt like it. When things didn't go the way I wanted them to, I started having more unhappiness instead of more faith. As more things began piling more, these feelings only proved to become stronger, to the extent where I started feeling so tired, so unmotivated, even more so than I was at the start.

However, through the course of this tiresome period, deep down, I realise and I know that God is here by me, walking with me, guiding me along, supporting me. I thought back about all my previous life events, all the big ones. I recall that since the very beginning, being the horrible planner I am, I never really planned anything. But still, things always fell into place. From the time I made the decision to enter the medical field, to the application and even through the past 5 years, I never really made any proper plans. Still, for some reason, everything unfolded so neatly before me. There can only be one reason...

And that is the reason why I believe that, though I am unsure how I will get through this exam, though I am unsure about the future, everything will go smoothly. If God has called me to this path, He will see me through, just as he has been all these years.

If God calls you to fly, He will give you the wings