So how does it all add up?

VCF today and dinner with couple of VCF seniors + batch mates yesterday. Put this two together and I got myself thinking quite a fair bit...

My thoughts have been revolving around commitments to VCF and academics... oriented more towards the long term view of it.. Many questions have surfaced; many can't be answered; those that can only serve to generate more questions

-VCF-
It doesn't really take much of a rational person to feel that going for VCF is "a waste of time". Considering how e.g. today, I'm back at 10.30pm, all drained and tired, knowing I need to study but simply am unable to focus. And also how the cell group/bible study discussions aren't exactly the way I expected it to be when I first joined (but definitely not implying it isn't good). Then after that comes the need for people to step up into leadership positions, of which I'm totally unsure if I can commit, or even be up to the mark for it

Now of course, those points alone would probably mean that I should have quit eons ago. But then, I come to think about how the fellowship within VCF is so warm and so cheerful; it's yet another avenue of which I can remain grounded in the Word; and the part that I sort of enjoy are parts where there are discussions, tending somewhat towards the theological side where there are differing opinions and views... nobody knows for sure who is right or wrong except God Himself. One such example: Did Jesus die for the elect, or for every single person? (and somewhere for the cats and dogs too came in o.O) It's discussions like these which lead me to probe further, and to know the Bible better. Not forgetting too that there are occassional reminders being thrown out here and there during group discussions about our daily lives and spiritual lives.

I'm supposing that the overall picture comes to what I'm doing now: Go for VCF when I'm in school (since I'm there already anyway) and probably play the disappearing act when I'm not. It all seems good, until the question about CGLing comes up. No way can I maintain this pattern of attendance if I'm to lead a group. Which brings up more questions: Am I able to commit time to VCF as a CGL? Will I even be alert enough during the sessions considering how clinicals will be so much more drianing? And most importantly: Am I spiritually mature enough to lead a group? - to the last question, I'ld doubt it.

Then comes the questions for the academic part... most of which stemmed from the dinner yesterday. Summing it all up into a bunch of questions:
~ How important, really, are grades?
~ And again, how important are they, after considering the new residency programme?
~ What is it, that we truly hope to achieve after these 5 years?
~ Do we know how exactly life would be like next time? As a GP, as a specialist?
~ Looking not so far ahead: do we/would we fully understand and empathise with the patients in the bed, who are "at the mercy" of medical students?

I was thinking about all these issues on the way home in the train... Unfortunately, instead of finding answers, my thoughts drifted to how my life has changed since uni started... I realised that since the start of uni, I haven't really had much time to think about such problems. School days were effectively burned, holidays were spent either studying or doing things that would never otherwise get done during school days e.g. going overseas, catching up with past friends etc

And how about the upcoming years? Life doesn't seem like it'll get much better. Now add on the fact that I'm currently studying at a pathetically slow rate (which would 101% mean supps if I keep this up) and the fact that, for an unkown reason, I've been ravaged by the sleep monster lately (12 hours of sleep a day would seem just sufficient for me now =s)... I really don't know where I'm currently at... ... ... And oh dear. I just remembered EAMSC too. Did I really make a bad decision joining?

So how does all this add up? Sigh~ questions, more questions and lack of time. Isn't this an evergreen phenomenon? I really don't know when I'll get the chance to find answers but somewhere, somehow, sometime I'll have to